The Hard Side of Healing

June 2, 2023

Now, it can be funny sometimes. And sometimes, it’s still not.

How I used to think that as me and my family healed from old beliefs and patterns that life would become a little easier.

When it has done the opposite.

We now recognize and validate and process our feelings. We have embraced voice and agency and consent. We have eliminated shame. And we all have a heightened level of emotional intelligence.

It sounds great, right? But the reality is that it brings with it a lot more hard.

We see things differently. Feel things differently. Experience things differently.

We know the changes we made in our family are the right thing and we would not go back to how we used to operate, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

We are committed to being as honest and vulnerable as we can in this space. We’ve heard from so many how helpful this is. So we will give you a peek inside.

While it may not seem like it from the outside, our family has been operating in crisis mode for a number of years. We don’t always know how to navigate all the uncharted waters we experience. We don’t know many who have traveled our same path. Maybe it’s because ours is a little unique. Maybe it’s because it’s really difficult for people to talk about. Because it is.

Sometimes getting support is hard. Sometimes there are so many voices to consider that it makes it hard to figure out what is right for us. Sometimes what seems right for one member may not seem right for another. It is confusing and overwhelming to wade through as we make sometimes potentially life altering decisions.

We keep just trying to figure out each next right thing.

But also, it is really heavy and lonely. Crushingly lonely sometimes. Even within our small family unit.

It wrecks havoc on our relationships with each other. As intentional as we try to be to come together, we often end up further and further apart.

When I try to explain what is happening to others, I feel inadequate and start gaslighting myself. I question myself a lot.

And also, I write and write and write. I advocate hard. I talk it out and cry it out. And seek out a lot of support.

If you are going through something hard and you feel you can’t explain it well to others, don’t know what to do next, feel overwhelmed, isolated, alone…I get you.

For now, we keep feeling, processing, talking. We keep working to stay regulated so we can help others co-regulate. We keep showing up. We keep working to keep ourselves well.

We keep moving forward, one day at a time.

Photo: Me trying to bring back the side-pony.