Scared of the Dark

September 16, 2023

I made a post over a year ago about what I call my sleep aversion. If you’re interested in it, you can read it here: https://www.jenncheck.com/blog/sleep-problems.

It’s not insomnia. Not difficulty sleeping. In fact, I really love to sleep. And I always want a lot more when I wake up.

But allowing myself to sleep is where it gets hard.

It’s like I sabotage myself when it’s time to sleep.

I’ve put in some solid, albeit extremely long, pre-bedtime routines recently but I’m still a major-work-in-process.

I believe it’s rooted in trauma and I’m still trying to unpack it.

Recently, someone asked me if I am afraid of the dark. Although I wanted to say “no,” it’s just not that clear-cut.

My thoughts went immediately to another book I knew was on a shelf in my home. We all remember the last time I vividly remembered a book from my past. (https://www.jenncheck.com/blog/the-workbook)

I read this one as a teen. It is fiction. Made up. But also rooted in the author’s beliefs about warfare of the spiritual variety.

Darkness is in its title.

I was pulled in enough that I also read the sequel at that young age.

I told this person about the book. What it was about. And started to wonder if this has had an impact on my ability to go to sleep.

I could only remember the overall idea - Angels and demons. I looked up the summary online to see if it would come flooding back to me. Nothing.

So today, I saw the book on the shelf as I walked past it. My body was calm and I felt a sense of curiosity and openness.

I opened to the first page and began reading.

After just the first page I stopped.

My body was screaming. My jaw was clenched, body braced, chest tight. I started to cry.

I read two more pages hoping for relief but it only intensified. In just those three pages there was judgement, divisiveness, imagery intended to foster fear.

My head knows it is made up. But I believed it then. And my body was telling me something - it’s possible my body still believes it now.

My body remembered.

I have no idea if this book is connected to my sleep in any way. And I’m not sure if I will keep reading or not. I’m in a middle place of wondering if reading more will help me make more connections but also not wanting to spend any more minutes of my precious life with this text.

But it is a reminder that our bodies know. Our bodies remember, even when our minds don’t.

I am working on paying more attention and trusting what it tells me (stay tuned for more on this…I’m working up the courage.