The Workbook

February 24, 2023

There was quite a focus on the workbook from my childhood in the comments of my last post. I thought I would share a bit more about it and some other reflections I have had since posting about it.

It was the summer of 2020. July 27th to be exact. I had been working to confront some harmful beliefs I had been carrying with me from childhood about being a female, being less than, being unworthy. I was talking to some family members who were puzzled about where I picked up on these beliefs so strongly. I was explaining that the beliefs were all around me. In the messages I heard in our religious culture, in society, in marketing, in the air I was breathing. And how I had recently clearly remembered a group I was in. I remembered the space where the group met weekly, the color of the couch where I sat, and the workbook we used that reinforced so many of these negative messages.

When I was 13.

I could picture the workbook in my mind, but not clearly. Knowing I have a tendency to save things, most things if I’m honest, I had a guess I kept it with some of my other memories and books from childhood. I went to the bottom, dusty shelf in our hallway bookshelf and found it there. Stacked between yearbooks and an old family tree project.

I opened each page. It all came rushing back to me.

I looked through it multiple times, crying harder with each round. These were messages that stuck with me. These are messages that I have been working so dang hard not to teach my own children. But I also know that, despite own efforts to teach something different, my children are and will be surrounded by marketing and messaging that tell them they are not okay. We will keep working to model and teach them they are whole and complete and enough just as they are and hope they will see this and know this for themselves at some point.

But there’s something more. When I looked through the pages again this week, I was hit with another aspect in my world that this workbook reinforced - comparison and judgement.

I learned very young that there was right and wrong for everything. And certainly I believe this is true for some things - lying, abuse, stealing, etc.

But on each page of this book, it lays out the right way and the wrong way to sit, walk, dress, style your hair.

And this way of thinking can lead down a pretty negative path of comparing yourself to others and then holding judgement for yourself or them. Even if these thoughts are never outwardly expressed and stay inside our heads, they are damaging.

We begin to judge ourselves harshly, often based on things that are not even true. Thinking we don’t look okay or aren’t okay based on some arbitrary standard.

We begin to judge others harshly, often based on things that are not even true. Criticizing decisions people have made for themselves that are right for them. How they dress. If they have a tattoo. How they do their makeup. What they choose to wear at the beach. What shoes they put on. What they eat. How they style their hair. How they parent. What they wear to drop their kids off at school. What vehicle they drive.

All of it is unkind. It’s wrong.

In all honesty, I have found myself doing all of this in the past. Never out loud. Always in the dark parts of my mind. I started paying attention to my inner voice/critic and heard it happening loud and clear.

And I committed to doing the work of actively stopping. I’ve been working on it for years. Continuing to unlearn.

It’s hard. And it’s important.

I no longer shame people in my thoughts about their hair, what they wear, their body, what they do. If someone chooses to express themselves with a tattoo, a piercing, color in their hair, awesome! If someone feels so comfy in their body they choose to wear tight fitting clothing or lesser fabric suits, fabulous!

I make choices that are right for me and celebrate that you can make choices that are right for you.

There is no need or place for judgement. We can move through life assuming everyone is doing the best they can.

Let’s lift up and celebrate those around us - family, friends, co-workers, and those we come across each day.