Sleep Problems
August 6, 2022
I typically write about things I have worked through, mostly figured out, healed-ish.
But this one is different. I’m right smack dab in the middle. Progress has been made but I’m still far from figuring it all out. It’s a puzzle that I take piece by piece, trying to process each new realization.
And just when one layer is better understood, the one underneath it is ready and waiting.
Many have known about my unusual sleep (or lack of sleep) habits for most of my life.
When I was a kid, I would never, ever sleep in the car or on road trips no matter how tired I was because I didn’t want to miss anything or any conversation.
In high school and college, I stayed up really late to do school work. When I got my first teaching job, I stayed up late preparing lessons. Then I added grad school and part-time graduate teaching at night. Then another graduate program. Then add in kids and a few side hustles.
For most of this time, I would get 2-4 hours of sleep during the week and then crash on Saturdays. I honestly wore this as a badge of honor. “Look at how much I can do! How little sleep I get!”
Then a few years ago, knowing how unhealthy my typical routine was, I worked hard to make some shifts and went to getting about 5-6 hours per night with no weekend crashing.
I hoped maybe this was all my body needed. But I was still exhausted all the time. I was told that if you let your body naturally wake up for a week straight, at the end of the week, you would know how much sleep your body needs. Welp, it if this true, mine needs 10.
It’s not insomnia. Once I finally give myself permission and allow it, I fall asleep right away. I’ve pursued and ruled out a bunch of medical things. I’ve worked through a layer about trying to do all. the. things. for #worthiness. And trying to fill the space of loneliness during the 20+ years that Jon traveled for work. A layer about revenge bedtime procrastination when the kids were little - doing things late at night because I felt I got so little time to myself during the day.
But even after all this processing, I’ve realized it goes even deeper. At this point, I’m confident it’s rooted in some kind of trauma that I have yet to fully understand.
I have focused intently on it over the years…
-Going to bed earlier
-No screen time before bed
-Dark room
-White noise
-Comfy PJ’s
-Bedtime routine
-Bilateral stimulation
-Sleep study
-Melatonin and other sleep aids
-Enzymes and supplements
-Miracle Morning
-Stress reduction
-Music
-Cozy blankets
-Weighted blankets
-Warm shower
-Therapy
-Chiropractic
-Acupuncture
-Salt baths and salt rooms
-Journaling
-Sauna
-Affirmations
-No caffeine
I know all the things. And some help more than others. But ultimately, it is built on control, avoidance, fear.
I now call it sleep avoidance.
Delay. Avoid. Numb. Distract.
Google confirms this is a thing - and I’m well aware that I use researching sleep avoidance to avoid sleeping.
The strange thing is that I like to sleep. And once I’m asleep, everything is usually fine. I typically sleep straight through the night. And I always want to keep sleeping in the morning but #life. But the convincing myself to go to sleep is so stinkin’ hard.
I there is fear attached as well. Somniphobia. A fear of going to sleep.
But the online definitions for these seem too thin for me. I believe my reasons are much deeper, even though I don’t know exactly what the reasons are yet. My body and my mind and heart will tell me when I am ready.
I’m not looking for any answers or a fix. I have lots of amazing professionals helping in different ways.
It’s slow but I’m not giving up.
If you are working through a hard thing right now, one you may have been working on for a long time even, know you are not alone. Keep going. Give yourself grace and time and love. You are amazing!