Battling My Inner Voice

March 1, 2023

Vulnerable (and long) Post Alert!

I still battle with my inner voice and many untrue beliefs I’ve held since I was little. As much as I have grown, the fight still ignites from time to time.

Like when we travel as a family.

We are a family of 5. And two rows side by side on an airplane mean someone always sits by someone unknown to us. It’s me. It’s always me.

Jon has to sit on the aisle because #legroom, two kids sit with him, one sits with me by the window in the other row because they want to sit by a family member. Understandable.

And I’m always in the middle with an unknown person sitting next to me in the aisle seat.

Every single time.

And this is where I often go through an inner battle.

During a recent 3-hour flight, I had to use the restroom early on. An early morning flight, extra security checks, no time to use the restroom before boarding, and high water consumption on the ascent to keep my ears from popping left me floating quickly. I was very uncomfortable.

My body was telling me something. And my mind would not allow it.

I don’t want to make the person sitting next to me have to pick up his book and get out of his seat and move for me. I don’t want to inconvenience him. I don’t want to put him out. I don’t want to make him irritated or frustrated or angry. I try to figure out how to deny my needs to make sure he is okay.

And I know how ridiculous all this sounds.

So then I remind myself that I am worthy and deserving of having my needs met. That I am allowed to use the lavatory. That I have every right to ask this person to kindly allow me to go into the aisle and then return to my seat.

But I go right back to panic about asking.

So I make a deal with myself. I decide that it if I can simply hold it until there is only an hour left in the flight, then I can speak up and I will be less likely to have to inconvience this person more than one round. I decide this is a good internal compromise (again ridiculous).

So I set a timer on my phone. And I set my resolve to push down the needs of my body until the timer goes off.

I am so incredibly uncomfortable. I become so fidgety. I feel like I am crawling out of my own skin.

But I make it to an hour left in flight. And I add on a few extra minutes for good measure.

And then I politely ask the person next to me if he would mind getting up so I could use the restroom. And he did.

The story I told myself was that he was annoyed, but I have no evidence to prove it.

On the next flight, I was again in the middle but this time my child was by the aisle. I looked to the person I did not know sitting next to me by the window. I told her she was welcome to ask us to move at any time if she needed to get up. That it would not be inconveniencing us at all. That I knew how uncomfortable it could be to ask and it was a-okay with me. That I would welcome it.

That night at dinner, when it was just Jon and me left at the table along with everyone else in the restaurant all around us, all my pent up feelings of shame and anger came dripping down my cheeks as I voiced to Jon how much of a struggle the flight and almost all flights are for me. That they amplify my inner critic. How angry I am that I’ve been working on this for so long and am still working on it. Heck, after working so hard to even recognize when my body was tired, hungry, full, in pain, I have even set timers on my phone that go off throughout each day to check in with my body to recognize and respond to what it is telling me it needs.

And I’m angry that I see how easy it is to shove down my own needs for the comfort of others at times. Even for complete strangers that I will probably never see again in my entire lifetime. That I tell myself things that may or may not be true. That I still can put myself last on my own list sometimes.

At some point in this moment while Jon was holding space for me, a kind person walked by, put their hand gently on my shoulder, and placed a pile of napkins next to me. Such loving and kind gestures all around me.

May we all continue to work on showing ourselves love and kindness as we battle our inner voices.

Please tell me - is this hard for you as well? Is there anything that helps you through these times? Please share.