They Are Their Own

October 10, 2022

Six years ago, I was talking to someone about one of my kids and how they were similar to another family member.

The person I was talking with abruptly stopped me. Told me to stop the comparison. Told me that our children are their own people. They are not anyone else. They are their own.

They have their own voices and experiences and ideas and personalities and opinions and likes and dislikes and beliefs.

It can be easy to forget this. To compare our parenting to the way others parent. To compare our kids to other kids or ourselves when we were young. We can unintentionally reinforce things that we liked or we wanted to do. Unintentionally push our desires onto them instead of helping them uncover their desires for themselves. And they may embrace them to make us happy.

Our kids are not responsible for making decisions we think they should make, or doing things that we did or wanted to do. They are not responsible for our happiness.

A lightbulb went off.

I want my kids to have agency. To be their own unique people.

I want them to live their own lives. For themselves. Not for us.

Jon and I began re-thinking everything.

No more expectation that each one learn an instrument, play a sport, be a high academic achiever.

It has meant we offer our kids a lot of perspectives and experiences. We let them make their own choices and decisions whenever it is developmentally appropriate to do so.

We let our kids know what is available to them and support what they want to try with zero pressure to continue. Zero pressure to be the best.

We don’t care about grades or winning. We want them to figure out what is right for them. And they are always free to change their minds.

You want to try gymnastics? Piano? Soccer? Theater? Track? Great.

You tried it and now want to stop gymnastics, piano, soccer after fulfilling your short term commitment to try it? Also great.

We want our kids to use their own voices and follow their passions. And we will support them as they figure this out for themselves.

So when a service provider at school asks if we need to keep a service in place or taper it back, my answer to the provider is that I support whatever my child decides is right for her.

And when we have to make a decision as a family about a dinner choice or whether to get a dog (or two), we navigate through it together with five voices, five opinions. Messy, but important.

And when we set expectations around bedtime and family norms, we set them together.

And when one of them has dreamed of being a pilot for years and turns 14 and is now legally allowed to learn to fly, we find ourselves in the air, taking in the beauty and excitement all around us.

Spread your wings and fly, sweet kids!