Over It: Self-Discipline

April 4, 2023

I drove by a digital, changeable sign two hours ago and I am still having quite a reaction to the quote that was on it.

I love quotes. Many of them, at least.

This one said, “Self-Discipline is a key ingredient to success.” It was outside a school.

I’m really struggling with this one and trying to unpack my reaction to it.

It’s likely because I did this. I lived in the trying-to-be-more-self-disciplined space for most of my life.

Trying to self-disciple the heck out of everything: Plans for getting work done. Schedules for cleaning. Mapping out the days with fastidious detail. Timing meals. Hyper-focus on exercise.

I told Jon the other day that I could project manage the heck out of things that were never meant to be project managed.

It was a comfortable mask for my insecurities and lack of self-worth. It fed my control, my people pleasing, my perfectionism, my anxiety. I pushed down all the feelings to follow the plans I had put in place.

And I never measured up to the standards I set for myself or the standards I thought other people had for me.

I was always working for a truly unattainable ideal. And setting myself up for failure time after time. Then the self-fulfilling prophecy just led to starting the cycle again - setting up new disciplined and unattainable structures to make up for my failure to keep up with the previous structure.

Don’t get me wrong. There is definitely a place for solid routines. I’ve got many that ground me.

But self disciple can be hinged on shame, pressure, rigidity, ableism.

I was trying to be successful but I sacrificed myself instead.

And in a school, self discipline rather than self regulation can teeter toward teaching compliance rather than joyful, engaged learning.

For me, it came at a high cost. I missed out on a lot that life had to offer. I didn’t offer myself the same grace and freedom I would wish for anyone else.

Now I focus on being present, engaged, listening to my inner voice, following my heart, changing course when needed, showing self-compassion, and being open to whatever is right for me and my family.

Perhaps this is another example that too much of something is not a good thing. And perhaps I am projecting my own extreme experiences.

I am clearly still unpacking this. Do you have the same reaction? Why or why not?