I Believe You

July 8, 2023

Trigger Warning: Abuse

I recently came across a news article related to a story I read a couple years ago. It was a local piece highlighting an update to a case where a local church and camp leader was accused of sexually assaulting over 20 young people. The judicial system is not involved because #statuteoflimitations.

An independent agency did their own investigation and confirmed these allegations to be true.

And yet.

He continues to sit in two different positions of leadership and power with direct access to and influence on people who are vulnerable. He leads a church and a still-popular religious camp for kids.

People have rallied around him. Supported him. Defended him.

Many people have not believed those who who were harmed and have been brave to speak up. Many have dismissed them. Tried to discredit them. Judged and shamed them.

I believe them. I believe what they said happened did happen.

And I am disgusted that this person both chose and has been allowed to continue leading.

It’s seriously triggering to me.

Because I have been the recipient of active and intentional harm from people in positions of power and leadership.

And I have seen the same people who did it to me continue to do it to others.

I have also seen them defended and protected and praised.

I spoke up whenever I could. For myself and for others.

Over the past few years, I have walked alongside others who have been in situations where they experienced intimidation, deception, manipulation, threats, and have been directed to act in unethical ways.

Some have been able to speak. Some have not. Everyone takes the path that is right for them.

And in every case I have directly witnessed lately, the person doing the harm is able to create a narrative that makes them appear blameless and makes the one harmed appear to be “not well,” not effective, wrong, bad, crazy. And people believe it.

Those that could help to make things right are more than bystanders. Instead of believing those who were harmed, they believe what they are told by those doing the harm, things intended to cover their tracks and make the one harmed look bad, look like they deserved it, look like there is a logical explanation. The people in positions to stop it but don’t act then become part of the harm themselves.

The result?

Those who do the harming stay in their positions of power and leadership and continue to actively harm others.

Those who have been harmed often feel isolated, alone, silenced, discredited, ostracized. They become part of the rumor mill. They get blamed. They get shamed. They get shunned. They get vilified. They do not get called for social events. They get put on unwritten do-not-hire lists. They lose their community.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how and why this happens so often. I have so many questions.

Why are we so quick to dismiss when someone has experienced harm? Why do we look the other way?

Why don’t we believe them? Why do we stay quiet?

Why don’t we step in, speak up, and do what we can?

And why do we believe the single sided, untrue narrative told by the one doing the damage? Why don’t we ask more questions and think for ourselves?

Why do we continue to keep those responsible for harm in positions of power? Why do we perpetuate systems and structures that allow and uphold threats and discrimination and intimidation and deception and domination, and control and manipulation?

Why do we value and elevate power over instead of power with, power to, and power within?

I know one of the answers to the questions is it is easier, safer, less scary to side with someone who has more power and authority. It can feel dangerous to go against this.

But we have to do better. I don’t know how but I am on a pursuit to figure it out in whatever way I can.

If you are going through something and you don’t feel believed, if you don’t feel heard, if you feel alone,

I believe you.

What you are feeling is 100% valid.

If you are scared, if you don’t know what to do, if you need to make a change,

I will stand with you.

If you call or message me, I will answer. I will listen and believe and validate.

I am not a professional and I don’t have advice or answers, but I know what it it’s like to live through it (multiple times) and come out on the other side.