An Unsent Letter

December 28, 2021

I spent some last week writing a letter.  Not the warm and celebratory kind that many write during this season.  It was a hard letter that came bubbling out.  Written to someone I once knew over two decades ago.  Written to someone who held a position of authority, of power. Written to someone I looked up to.

I had heard rumors about how terribly he treated other students but I had never experienced it myself so it was easy to brush it aside and convince myself it could not be true.  Give people the benefit of the doubt, right? Even if it was true, I convinced myself that it could not happen to me.  

Until it did.  A strict rule-following student (except for the time I was given a detention on the second day of fifth grade for doing my math homework in pen - but that’s a story for another day), I was following the directive of another adult in charge.  And I became the target of this person’s fury.  Doing something he did not agree with, even when another person told me to, meant I was deserving of screaming and rage and a threat he made come true.  

He worked his hurt, pain, anger, and fear out on me and many others.  Scratch that.  He did not work it out on us.  He unleashed it on us.  It was unjust, undeserved, absolutely wrong.

I don’t remember telling any adult who could do anything about it or anything to stop it. Some close friends knew, but I sucked it in and became silent.  I choked down my voice.  Who would believe me?  

Harder, more intense things have happened in my life, for sure.  It is easy for me to minimize this one to myself.  But it happened and it still bubbles to the surface from time to time.  I am working on healing from it.  And I have definitely seen growth.  When I have experienced similar circumstances, I now know more about my own worth.  I know what I can do to be true to myself.  While I am not in charge of how other people show up, I am in charge of how I respond and I can make choices that are right for me.  

I always thought I chose a career in education because that is what I said I wanted to do since the first time I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, because of a family member’s difficult experience in third grade, because I wanted to help children.  But perhaps this experience also had something to do with it.  

Perhaps one of the reasons I went into education was because I wanted to create places where this kind of thing would not happen.  I wanted to foster a culture where children and the adults who work with them are celebrated and loved and seen and known.  Where conditions are created to cultivate positive, healthy connections and relationships.  Perhaps this is super optimistic, but I believe it is possible.  And I can be a part of it. 

Initially, I wanted to send the original letter so this person could know the lasting impact he has had on me and many others.  I felt it was a way to have the voice that I craved, to speak out about what happened.  I have been struggling with that even recently - feeling I can’t always speak out about truth and injustice and ongoing harm.  

A wise friend validated all this.  And also, she explained I could have a voice without sending the letter - that I could have a voice just by knowing my own truth, the truth of what happened.  I am still wrapping my head around this, not yet fully understanding it.  But one way I am learning to be true to myself is by telling my stories, sharing my truth, and connecting with others.  Because we all have stories to tell and we feel less alone when we have the courage to let ourselves be seen.  

So here I am, sharing and not sending the original letter ;).  I have understanding about the cause of his actions, but am not filled with forgiveness or compassion yet.  Maybe I never will be.  But I will continue to do my own work.  And I am finding ways to still have a voice for myself.  How have people in positions of authority hurt you, friends?  What have you learned?  How have you worked to heal?